My Hatred/Obsession With Chuck Klosterman

2007-11-17T00:23:00.001-08:00

In my short 24 years, I have prided myself on knowing all of the minute details of things that interest me. I can tell you random details about David Bowie, and I even have an unnatural obsession with the Jim Henson movie, The Labyrinth because of Bowie’s wonderful portrayal as the goblin king? Jareth. Even until this day, I harbor the idea of naming my first born male child after his character in that movie. I can tell you the split of U2 when they were having their religious crisis as they traveled across the United States[1], and where the Unforgettable Fire exhibit was that inspired the album[2]. I can also tell you the entire biography of each of the members of *NSYNC including names of girlfriends and when they dated them. For what reason is the information pertinent? I am not sure, but I know it and it is something that will be emblazoned in my mind for a long time to come. This, however, is not why I harbor a grand hatred for Chuck Klosterman.
Let’s start by realizing that hatred is such a strong word. It might be that of a great jealousy, but since I used it twice in the opening paragraph, for the rest of the essay I will use the word hatred. (read: jealousy) Pop culture is an art form of mine. When the World Series of Pop Culture aired on VH-1 in 2006, I didn’t get one question wrong the throughout the entire series, and I’m talking about on first viewing. I didn’t watch it a multitude of times, and then go over to a friend’s house and declare that it was on then “wow” everyone with my knowledge of pop culture, I just happen to know it. It is in my mind. However, I feel as though Chuck Klosterman is my arch-nemesis in the world of pop culture. He is Russell Hammond and I am William Miller. Pop culture is our Penny Lane. At least in my mind that’s how it works.
In the movie, William’s aspirations were not to be a rock star. But that was the lifestyle that Hammond and Stillwater brought to William’s life, and even though he wanted to write about what was happening, those who were bringing it to him, right into his hotel room, those became his idols. However, the difference between Russell and William and their intentions with Penny Lane is clear as day and night. William (read: me) has a pure, unadulterated love of Penny. He loves her because she is a kindred spirit. She’s a part of his life, because he has grown up with her. William wants Penny because he loves her. Russell, on the other hand, thinks that groupies come with the territory of being a rock star, and although he won’t come out and say it, there is a feeling of superiority between Russell and William. Russell feels that he deserves to have Penny and her affections because he IS a rock star.
Does Chuck Klosterman deserve the niche market of pop culture and witty comments? Maybe. He’s got eleven years, and thousands of albums on me. However, I feel that the only thing that is tragically wrong with my otherwise superb and chockfull of pop cultural metaphor, is that we both have a pure love of pop culture. As is seen when Russell calls Penny after she goes home from overdosing on Quaaludes in New York. That does not stop the jealousy that rages between Russell and William. William wishing that he was Russell because he would then be the object of Penny’s affection. And Russell wished he was William because of William’s true, innocent, pure love of Penny. Russell was not capable of loving Penny the way that William was capable of. In reality, I only want to be Klosterman. He doesn’t even know I exist.
This was the longest metaphor ever. But this is why I hate Chuck Klosterman. These metaphors come second nature to him. My pop culture references are usually limited to quoting a random Jay and Silent Bob lines. Well, maybe not a Silent Bob line, but you get the point. And this comes to the second part of my Chuck Klosterman conundrum. I wish I were him. Well, I don’t wish I was a 35 year old man; I’ve grown accustomed to being a 24 year old girl. I wish I were him in matter of wits and time to organize a CD collection, rather than putting an album on my iPod, and then quickly forgetting all evidence that something tangible once existed that I purchased that had music on it. I feel as though I own two CDs,[3] and I purchased them a week and a half ago. I wish that most of my life was taken up by debating who had the most successful career after their time spent on Saved by The Bell.[4] I mean, honestly, it is. But I wish I could get paid for it. Or, I wish I could spend time writing about it, because I mean the time that I spend thinking about it is practically a part-time job already. And that’s why I’m obsessed with Chuck Klosterman, He is my Russell Hammond, I strive to be him, so that all the pop culture nuts (myself included) will read what I have to say and laugh.
I once read Killing Yourself to Live in one sitting. My life wasn’t changed, but I understood how his was. I mean granted, it wasn’t a 100% true story, but they tell you that on the cover. But, I could see how this character of “Chuck Klosterman’s” life could be changed, after seeing the girl and being rejected. I could relate to that, and I have. Once writing about pop culture and now look, he has become a part of pop culture. Chuck Klosterman’s life has come full circle. If you could see me, I would look like a cross between pride and jealousy.. Look at me with my crazy admiration. This is why I hate/love you, Chuck.

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[1] It was Larry, Bono, and The Edge versus Adam.
[2] The exhibit was at the Peace Museum in Chicago, and it was an exhibition of drawings and paintings by survivors of the Hiroshima and Nagaski atomic bomb drops during World War II.
[3] These two CDs happen to be Jimmy Eat World Chase This Light and New Found Glory From the Screen to Your Stereo Part II.
[4] My personal choice is Dustin Diamond. I mean, c’mon, a dildo modeled after your penis? In your face, Mark-Paul.

Pop Trash: A Collection of Essays

My Hatred/Obsession With Chuck Klosterman